Monday Musings: Winter Storm
Winter Storm is a metaphor for my chronic illness in general. I wrote it when I was in the hospital once again going through intense pain with no relief. I was in college at the time and I had to withdraw from the semester, this was not the first time that I had to do this. One of my biggest dreams was to graduate college and then eventually go on to get a doctorate in Anthropology. The grades were never the problem, it was my ehlers danlos syndrome and chiari that kept me from realizing my dream. I was devastated in that hospital bed once again, this time I knew that I would never reach my dream, I knew it fully and I felt it fully. I pictured myself in an isolated cabin in the middle of a whiteout, this is where the inspiration for this poem came from.
I was isolated in my hospital bed, the view from my hospital window was the "outside" and I was the "inside". At that moment I felt no joy or hope, I felt absolute desolation and despair. I had to give up my dream, not of my own accord, but of my body's demanding.
I felt like an absolute failure, without that piece of paper I feel like I am stupid. I don't begrudge my peers or the younger kids who have gone on to get their diplomas, but it hurts me to know that I will never have that. I get so outraged when people don't take their education seriously, when they play around like it is something that will just happen. I hate when people go to college to party and that is all they care about because that is like a slap in the face to me, I worked so hard, so diligently and I wanted it so badly but it just wasn't meant to be. I hate feeling this way but I do.
I was able to pick up the pieces and find some joy/hope again through my writing. My new dream is to use my writing to bring awareness of Ehlers Danlos, Chiari, POTS, and Mast Cell Activation Disorder and to bring awareness about what it is really like living with a chronic invisible illness. To the world I look fine, but I am not fine, I am nowhere near fine. My body tears me apart everyday, but you can't see it. I am in pain every single moment of my life, and again you can't see it. Those who live their life in a winter storm get used to that cold that cuts like a knife, people who deal with pain everyday get used to it, it doesn't dull at all, but we learn how to function like a semi-normal person through the pain.
I urge people to not take their education for granted and to not take their dreams for granted, you never know when the life you wanted to lead could vanish before your eyes, you never know when you have to give up a dream due to unforseen and uncontrollable circumstances. You never know when you will be caught in a winter storm.
If you are interested in reading my poetry you can find my book The Bright Side of Dark on www.amazon.com, or you can email me at heatherdashley@gmail.com
