Monday Musings: "Self Contained Monster War"
Today I am going to discuss my poem "Self Contained Monster War". I think that this is one of the best poems I have written about my relationship with chronic illness. The title refers to a metaphorical war that my body and mind goes through each and every day. I wake up every morning to fight a never ending battle with my own body. This poem describes the antibiosis that Ehlers Danlos (et al) is to my life. One of the lines in this poem is "it is the parasite to my weakening host", that is the poem in a nutshell. Ehlers Danlos is a monster to me, one that has haunted my every moment since birth. It is something that I have to deal with because I was born with it. I have no other choice in my life because there is no cure. I always find my self being sunny when my world is a dark storm. This is not easy. I get so tired of being sunny and upbeat. I am not ok, though I tell everyone I am. I am in pain but I smile and it gets so exhausting. I do have one option that weighs on the back of my mind daily. I don't want to be a quitter, so maybe out of my own stubbornness or my blind optimism that things will one day get better, I know I can never choose this option. There is only one way to kill Ehlers Danlos and all my medical conditions, but that would mean killing myself in the process, so "I have no choice but to keep breathing, we are stuck together in this self contained hell." This is a "self contained hell" as it is a battle I fight within myself everyday. I try not to let the battles impact others around me. This is the lot I was given in life, I was born with something that I would never wish on my worst enemy and it gets so exhausting mentally and emotionally. I can only do so much with what I have been given and it is suffocating. I am forever tenacious as I keep getting up everyday and living. I will do my absolute best to have a great life despite my monster. I was an infant when I met this foe. I was naked an cold and knew nothing. I am older now, stronger and more determined to beat Ehlers Danlos the only way I can, by getting up everyday and keep breathing until I am an old lady and we depart the world together.
