Monday Musings Three and Twenty part 2
Today I am continuing my discussion of the poem "Three and Twenty."
In the second stanza I write '"It will go away", that's what they all say, and yes I know it's true, that it won't last "I know, I KNOW!" I want to shout, "but please just hear me out!", the battle is hear , it is now." Many people have told me to focus on other things or that I always get better eventually, but that does absolutely nothing to quell any pain or agony I may be going through at the moment. It is hard to think of other things or to take my mind off of it when it is happening, I would gladly do it if I could. Later in the poem I write "...and with each battle I fear my heart is growing cold. Only 23-what will become of me? In ten more years what kind of woman will I be." This is an introspection about the toll all of the pain takes on me. I am barraged day in and day out with little to no relief and sometimes I wonder what I will be like or how I will handle things in the future. I continue " I will be more kind, I will be more caring, for each and every scar I am silently wearing", this is a promise to myself and a promise to the world that I will never forget my empathy or get too lost in my own suffering that I won't be able to comfort others who are suffering as well. I won't let my illness take away my heart. Often it is hard being around other people, and sometimes I really relish all the time I spend to myself because I don't have to explain a single thing about how I am feeling or why I am feeling it, I can just be and take things as they come. Over the years I have noticed that people sometimes have an accusing kind of tone when they talk to me about my illness, as if it is something I can control. I can't control it at all, I am utterly powerless when it comes to that so it really hurts me when I hear that accusation in people's words. It is no secret that I feel like I am not worth very much, and that my life is futile. One stanza that really highlights this it "If I become what I fear most, a lonesome wandering ghost, of a girl who was once seeded to be someone the world actually needed, tell me, what then would be my lot? My life a book with an empty plot. Then why, why shouldn't I give in, if I am never destined to win..." This is often how I feel, there is no sugar coating it, I feel like my life has been stolen by Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. My life does not feel like my own any longer if it ever did at all. I feel like the story of my life is full of blank pages that are laminated so no one can write on them. The last stanza of "Three and Twenty" states how I try to feel and live. It goes "I am only two decades, just barely 23 and I have so much more to do and so much more to see. Perhaps in decade eight, or ever perhaps nine I will let my breath start to decline. But only after I've told the world my story of how I won my war with honor and glory." That sums up my optimism, my
endurance and my hopes for the future.
I hope you enjoyed reading this. If you would like to read more of my poetry, my book The Bright Side of Dark:Collected Poems is available to purchase on www.amazon.com
