Monday Musings: "Fabricated"
“Fabricated”, which I wrote at the age of 17, is about how I tend to get lost in “created universes”, I.e.: shows, movies, books and video games. It is about how I spend all my time alone and much of that time I fill with the aforementioned things because it is literally too painful to focus or to be completely present in my own life. This poem is about how I spend so much time alone that my thoughts just run rampant. I have too much time to think about everything bad that has happened in my life and all of the things I am missing out on and when I write“pushing aside phantoms she’s already fought” I am talking about how everyday I think of these things, I go through these same mental battles and it is exhausting. I write at the end of the poem “A fabricated utopia is hard to leave behind,such a perfect place is impossible to decline.” I am not only talking about books etc, I am also talking about this perfect version of myself, this perfect pain free life that is so close to me in my mind, that I tend to dwell on what could be, which in turns makes what my life really is even that much harder to deal with. I wish my life could be fabricated into something it isn’t. This poem is all about escapism, about how I have too much time to think every detail of my entire life through on repeat and how I sometimes would rather choose to run away from my problems, even if it is for a short paragraph or two, an episode here or there, or a mission on some virtual world.
Although I wrote this poem nearly ten years ago it's message still remains true in my life. At 17 life was so hard for me, but in many ways at 26 it is a lot harder. I am better in many ways, but I still have unrelenting pain and now I add the social and personal pressures of what my life "should be", what I really want my life to be to be quite frank, at this age. Escaping into myself seems to be an easy option, one that I have to balance bery carefully or I will be lost to the world forever.
